Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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