So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
