You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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