She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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