i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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