I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
