I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
