Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
