my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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