I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
