Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
