Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
