I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
