Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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