Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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