i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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