I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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