My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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