I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
