I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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