Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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