I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
