so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
