I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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