My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
