You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
