Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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