If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
