my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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