She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
