I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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