I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
