you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Someone signed my nipple.
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