i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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