I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am spending my child support on dildos
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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