wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
