So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize