the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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