So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
