let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
40s are totally the cure
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
