I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
