All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
