This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
