i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
