Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize