How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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