So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
