We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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