Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pants are for mortals
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
