At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
