Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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