I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
