I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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