I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
