apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
