What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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