Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
