Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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