Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
