Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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