You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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