I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
